"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing - but to turn it into glory."
-- William Barclay

As predicted, this semester has taken off at break-neck speed. I am constantly under a number of impossible deadlines, sleep deprivation has taken on a whole new meaning, I find myself wanting to yawn in the face of my interviewers, I miss class, and I haven't actually cracked a book in over a week (that's next on the to-do list after writing this xanga).

And - I have been non-stop whining about it since the madness started. Despite knowing that: 1) I knew it was coming; 2) I brought this upon myself; 3) I know it will be worthwhile; and 3) I am not the only one feeling frazzled right now. What's the deal? When did I turn into such a colossal, weaselly wimp?

I missed my run with my friend Stephanie yesterday because I HAD to face the music with my homework (which I never even got to because I had too much clinic work to do. I simply run out of hours these days). And so today, I woke up knowing that I would have to figure out a way to get shit done so that I had time to run: if I couldn't find time for a Monday run (we bump up the intensity on Sundays usually), then I would DIE on our Tuesday run.

But I couldn't imagine how I was going to do it.

So while I am chewing this over in my mind, I realize I hadn't been able to take my suits to the dry cleaners - and I only have my oldest ones (read: super tight. Whitney is no longer 20.) to wear to my interview that morning. This was distracting enough to jar me out of my running dilemma - the last time I tried to wear it I could barely get the thing wiggled up, much less zipped. But then I grabbed the suit, held my breath, and zipped up the skirt...


And it fit. I nearly peed myself.

And so I went about the rest of my day happier than I have been in WEEKS. And got an enormous amount of stuff done because my utterly-delightful mood carried me sailing through my busy day. Because of a stupid skirt. Which only fit because I have been cramming one more damn thing into my already over-crowded life, which I have been bitching about incessantly. Catching the full-circle?

So I've decided that it's high-time I stopped being a brat and instead, started counting my blessings for all the magnificent opportunities I have right now - really push myself. What a waste it would be to wake up in December having lived through the hardest semester of my life to find out that...I'd just let it slip away instead of really bearing down and getting something out of it. I won't just "endure" from now on - time to grit my teeth, dig deep, and get comfortable with my new stride.

Sometimes, no matter what the outcome, you just have to say what is on your mind and in your heart. No regrets, no worries about what might have been...just the comforting knowledge that regardless of how things turn out, it won't be because of too-cleverly-hidden messages or unspoken words.

For the first time in weeks and weeks, my heart is calm.

Love songs make me want to write, even when I have nothing much to say. I had the urge when I woke up this morning to download some Barry Manilow (was talking about his music with a friend last night and woke up singing Copacabana) - and so now I can't help but want to (i) play on the computer some more and (ii) write about something sappy.

I'm still having a hard time trying to pull out of the funk of the past - now that I'm back by myself in Austin again, especially. I am in desperate need of a distraction, and although I have plenty coming up, I can't help but twist the knife of reminiscence for the time being. How much time is supposed to pass before I stop feeling so much? (It's still a little baffling that I'm feeling anything at all - because school was so hectic until recently, I simply didn't think about it until recently.)

I know I'm still just reeling from the recent changes, but I feel like my life is growing and developing so positively that there's no reason for me to be so...melancholy? That's overdramatic, it's really just this glum disappointment in how things turned out. Can't shake it.

"I should be over it now I know -
It doesn't matter much
How old I grow...
I hate to see October go."
-- Barry Manilow

I like it, this new place I have found.  No bets, assumptions, or second-guesses - just the freedom to be myself and enjoy the time I'm having.  Has it really been that long since I've felt comfortable doing that?  I'm a fool if I've let myself take things so seriously that I've missed the tiny fortunes that find their way into my day. 

Dinner with an old friend, delicious food and conversation - so nice to reflect on the big picture and mull over recent life-lessons.  I feel centered and content, thankful for my long list of "Quality People"...and patient with myself. 

Should sleep quite soundly, for the second night in a row.  Funny how a little company can make you realize that you were never really alone to begin with. 

"I don't care what consequence it brings - I have been a fool for lesser things."  -- Billy Joel

Huge change in perspective, huge results.  I had no idea how even a little negativity can seep in so quickly and set up shop.  Or how effective giving one's self a firm talking-to can be.

Next chapter.